Thankful and Tired Are Not Like Sugar and Salt

So it’s Sunday again… Not only it is the end of another day, but also the end of another week. I am tired, if not exhausted, and at the edge of breaking down into pieces again… I say again because it seems I’ve been feeling like this for as long as I can remember…

I once read somewhere, “Don’t complain about the dishes, thank God you have food on your table, don’t complain about the mess, thank God you have a roof over your head, don’t complain about your children acting out, thank God you have a family to care for”. And I am, I am very thankful for all these things, especially today when we see how the rest of the world is suffering, but does that make me any less tired as I’m writing down these words? I’m afraid it doesn’t… And does recognizing my tiredness make me any less of a good person? I surely hope not! 

I miss the slow life, when I was able to stay up on a Saturday night because I knew I could sleep in for hours on Sunday if I wished. Today, my weekend nights resemble more to few hours staring at a clock because I’m too busy counting for how many hours my daughter has been down to sleep and estimating in how many she will wake me up for her nightfeed… I’m too busy asking myself if tonight is gonna be a good night and she will only wake up once and at what time or if it’s gonna be a hard night and we’re gonna wake up multiple times and not get enough rest… And in the midst of all this wondering, I see my week-end night flying by without being able to enjoy even one hour of romantic nothing to do with my husband…

I’ve read so many articles on how parents should always remember they’re a couple first and a mommy and daddy in second, but it’s so much easier said than done… I’ve had discussions with friends who explained to me how their love life just couldn’t fit into their family life and I promised myself to never fall into that trap, but again it’s so much easier said than done. The more time passes away the more I get used to this new me, this transparent me, that only exists to nourish and nurture others. Deep down I know it’s wrong, but with our current situation and circumstances I don’t know how to fight against my fading out…

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