So Don’t Throw in the Towel Just Yet…

Before having my first child I always thought I was meant to be a mother, like this is my mission in life, the most important thing I will ever do, and the most natural thing that will ever happen to me… I was convinced I had all it takes to be a great mother, I mean I have great communication skills, I’m very patient, strict when I must and I love children! But as it turned out, I wasn’t ready at all, on the contrary I was far from being ready.

The truth is that being a parent of a little baby whether few days or few months old, is everything we don’t imagine it is… It is not about upbringing and educating, not yet, it is much more trivial and much more challenging. In a split of a second, as you make this last push, and your child’s shoulders find their way out to the world, you become the survival kit of another who is not really another, because he/she does not realize yet that you are two not one. Being a mother of a new born is about being needed 24/7 by a little entity of flesh and soul that has no other way to communicate his/her feelings except by crying, again and again and again… An entity that only finds comfort in your smell, your touch, the warmth of your skin and the sound of your heart beats. As romantic and utopic as that might sound, it seizes to be as such when you haven’t slept in days, when you don’t remember the last proper meal you had, when you smell like you haven’t taken a shower in ages and every part of your body and soul hurts. Despite all that, you are still expected to carry your child as he/she cries, as they hit you and push you. You are still expected to have the sanity to tell yourself that your child does not hate you or does not want you, that this is the only way they know how to act when they’re tired and are not able to go to sleep, and most of all, that it is not your fault they are feeling as such… 

Being a mother of a new born child is surprisingly about sitting next to his/her bed trying to comfort them as they scream their hearts out… It’s about accepting that your child is just one of those babies that need to cry themselves to sleep. It’s about asking yourself every second of every day is he/she hungry? Are they feeling well? Are they in pain? And my ultimate favorite: Is this normal poop color and texture? 

I used to listen to those new mom stories and say to myself, you must be joking. I used to wonder how could a woman get depressed for losing her line after giving birth, I mean she did just deliver an entire human being to the world! I never thought that years after, this woman dreading to look at her own reflection would actually be me. Stretch marks? Yes of course women get those, but not me! I’m too young for that! That’s what I thought… Not to mention all the other private body changes and hair loss…

Before having my first child, I thought I had it all figured out, I was going to breastfeed, leave my job to stay with my baby for the first couple of years of his/her life, I was going to do it all by myself as my husband and I are expats and don’t have reliable family members close by… I did not know that even though it’s a natural process, breastfeeding did not come naturally, nor that deciding to leave my job was going to leave me sleepless for a month before I was able to make my final choice… I had heard so many times that it takes a village to raise a child, but I did not know how true that was until I had to do it alone (even with a very supportive and nurturing husband). It’s like one morning I woke up and was so tired that I just forgot all the lullabies and baby games…

Today, five months after, life has finally started to make sense again. As my baby girl is growing out of her newborn phase, we are starting to establish solid communication channels. Today I can finally say that my mother instinct, the one I actually had started doubting I even had, has finally started to kick in, and as my baby and I are officially becoming two individuals we are more fusional than ever before… 

So if you are in my once upon a time shoes and reading this today, just tell yourself the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, you are just color blind… But don’t worry, life will offer you colored glasses soon and everything will work itself out… Just hang in there and have faith in yourself.

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4 thoughts on “So Don’t Throw in the Towel Just Yet…

    1. Thank you dearest Yasmine for your lovely words ❤ hang in there! Things will get better very soon! I know that the first 4 months are hard but as my brother tells me every single day, it can only get better!!!

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